Funny quotes

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
– W. H. Auden

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
– Abraham Lincoln

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
– Reba McEntire

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
– Imelda Marcos

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
– Wilson Mizner

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
– Mark Twain

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
– Margaret Mead

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
– Oscar Levant

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
– George Bernard Shaw

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
– Joey Adams

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
– James A. Garfield

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
– Josh Billings

The only guaranteed way to make something not very funny is to make it vague.
– Thomas Lennon

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
– Logan Pearsall Smith

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
– Thomas Sowell

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Luis Bunuel

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
– Wilson Mizner

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
– Victor Hugo

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
– Demetri Martin

I can resist everything except temptation.
– Oscar Wilde

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
– Mitch Hedberg

I have an unfortunate personality.
– Orson Welles

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
– George Carlin

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
– Abraham Lincoln

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
– Groucho Marx

Reality continues to ruin my life.
– Bill Watterson

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
– Benjamin Franklin

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Jack Benny

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
– Anthony Burgess

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
– Henny Youngman

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
– Albert Einstein

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
– Groucho Marx

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
– Chris Rock

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
– Winston Churchill

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
– Jim Carrey

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
– Steve Martin

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
– Mitch Hedberg

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
– Jules Renard

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood

I am so like Donna it’s funny. And most of my friends are guys too.
– Laura Prepon

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
– Thomas Szasz