Zoolander (2001) quotes

Director
Ben Stiller.

Cast
Ben Stiller.
Owen Wilson.
Christine Taylor.

At the end of his career, a clueless fashion model is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.
– Hansel

What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building?
– Derek Zoolander
Derek, this is just a small…
– Mugatu
I don’t wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least… three times bigger than this!
– Derek Zoolander

I became…
– Matilda
What?
– Hansel
Bulimic.
– Matilda
You can read minds?
– Derek Zoolander

I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
– Derek Zoolander

I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
– Derek Zoolander

It’s that damn Hansel! He’s so hot right now!
– Mugatu

Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don’t mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
– Derek Zoolander
If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
– Derek Zoolander

Male models don’t think for themselves.
– J.P. Prewitt
That’s not true!
– Derek Zoolander
Yes it is, Derek.
– J.P. Prewitt
Okay.
– Derek Zoolander

Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
– Derek Zoolander

SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You’ve done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey’s uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can’t get the job done, then I will!
– Mugatu
Die, you wage-hiking scum!
– Mugatu

Oh, I’m sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
– Mugatu

There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, “Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman”.
– Derek Zoolander

But why male models?
– Derek Zoolander
Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
– J.P. Prewitt

Why do you hate models, Matilda?
– Derek Zoolander
Honestly?
– Matilda
Yes.
– Hansel
I think they’re vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
– Matilda
I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
– Hansel

This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
– Hansel
What?
– Matilda
Don’t ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
– Hansel

Obey my dog!
– Mugatu

When I was in 7th grade, I was… the fat kid in my class.
– Matilda
Ew!
– Derek Zoolander

I’m not an ambi-turner.
– Derek Zoolander

You mean, you haven’t…
– Derek Zoolander
Done it in a while, yeh.
– Matilda
Now, what’s a while? Like, eight days?
– Hansel

I’ve been trying to reach you for a week.
– Matilda
A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
– Derek Zoolander
That was last Friday.
– Matilda
Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
– Derek Zoolander

They’re *in* the computer?
– Hansel

Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They’ll be looking for us at Maury’s right? But they won’t be looking for… not us.
– Derek Zoolander

Excuse me, bra.
– Hansel
You’re excused, and I’m not your bra!
– Derek Zoolander

How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
– Derek Zoolander

It’s a walk-off!
– Billy Zane

Derek that was unbelievable!
– Matilda
I know! I turned left!
– Derek Zoolander
Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
– Matilda
Oh, right, cool.
– Derek Zoolander

You’re dead to me, son. You’re even more dead to me than your dead mother.
– Larry Zoolander

You is talking loco and I like it!
– Hansel

Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too!
– Protestor

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude!
– Hansel

So I’m rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I’ll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize “Holy shit, Hansel, haven’t you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head?”
– Hansel
And?
– Derek Zoolander
And it was. I was totally fine. I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
– Hansel

They’re break-dance fighting.
– Mugatu

Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
– Maury Ballstein

Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
– VH1 Reporter
Uhh, not as much as I’m worried about Gretel.
– Derek Zoolander

How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building?
– Derek Zoolander

I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
– Hansel
I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
– Derek Zoolander

As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!
– Mugatu

Hansel… so hot right now… Hansel.
– Mugatu

You think that you’re too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite… you aren’t.
– Derek Zoolander

Who are you tryin’ to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?
– Hansel

Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking “wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.”
– Derek Zoolander
Do what for a career?
– Matilda
Be professionally good looking.
– Derek Zoolander

What’s the dealio, yo?
– Hansel

Whatever dude… whatever. Peace. God Bless.
– Hansel

So join now, ’cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there’s more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
– Derek Zoolander

Taste my pain, bitch!
– Hansel

You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.
– Mugatu

Deal with that!
– Hansel

What time is it?
– Matilda
Almost five.
– Derek Zoolander
What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys…
– Matilda
Whoa, whoa, easy! How ’bout a “Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night.”
– Hansel

I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
– Katinka

It’s a casserole Sheila… it’ll keep!
– Maury Ballstein