Step Brothers (2008) quotes

Director
Adam McKay.

Cast
Will Ferrell.
John C. Reilly.
Mary Steenburgen.

Two aimless middle-aged losers still living at home are forced against their will to become roommates when their parents marry.

This house is a fucking prison!
– Brennan Huff
On Planet Bullshit!
– Dale Doback
In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
– Brennan Huff

Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, ” Oh, my God, I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,” and she grabs me by the weiner.
– Dale Doback
Shut the fuck up!
– Dr. Robert Doback

I’m not gonna call him Dad.
– Brennan Huff
Brennan, you’re 39 years old. I wouldn’t expect you to call him Dad.
– Nancy Huff
Well I’m not going to, *ever*! Even if there’s a fire!
– Brennan Huff

I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home.
– Brennan Huff

You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
– Dale Doback
You’re not a doctor… you’re a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
– Brennan Huff

I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!
– Brennan Huff

What do we do now?
– Derek
We could hug.
– Brennan Huff
Yeah, you’d like that, faggot!… Sorry.
– Derek

Why are you so sweaty?
– Dale Doback
I was watching Cops.
– Brennan Huff

You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
– Dale Doback

So, Dale. I don’t know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
– Male Therapist
I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and… I just figure it out.
– Dale Doback
Is this Good Will Hunting?
– Male Therapist
No.
– Dale Doback
It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
– Male Therapist
Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck…
– Dale Doback

I’m just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.
– Dale Doback
Dale, I think it’s time for a change. For both of us.
– Dr. Robert Doback
Dad, we’re men. That means a few things – we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That’s what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
– Dale Doback
We literally have never done any of those things.
– Dr. Robert Doback

I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
– Brennan Huff
You dont know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
– Nancy Huff
It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin’ that shit up everyday.
– Brennan Huff

I wanna roll you up in a little ball and shove you up my vagina… You could just live there, it’s warm and it’s cozy… Oh I’d just walk around with you in there and just knowing, whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch it’s your hair on my vagina!
– Alice

Hey Derek, you know what’s good for shoulder pain?
– Brennan Huff
What?
– Derek
If you lick my butt hole.
– Brennan Huff

This wedding is horse shit!
– Brennan Huff

You jagaloons! You’re failures! FAILURES!
– Dr. Robert Doback
Hey, you’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
– Brennan Huff
Brennan.
– Nancy Huff
Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She’s a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.
– Brennan Huff
Oh, stop it! Stop it right…
– Nancy Huff
Or I’m gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass…
– Brennan Huff
Brennan!
– Nancy Huff
…you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!
– Brennan Huff

You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
– Brennan Huff
Yeah, I got ’em from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. It’s like masturbating in a time machine.
– Dale Doback

We’re here to fuck shit up!
– Dale Doback

Boats and hoes!
– Dale Doback

Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
– Brennan Huff
I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that’s what you mean.
– Dale Doback

Stay golden, Ponyboy.
– Alice

Robert better not get in my face… ’cause I’ll drop that motherfucker!
– Brennan Huff
Jesus, Brennan!
– Nancy Huff

Your drumset’s a whore! I tea bagged your drumset!
– Brennan Huff
My drumset’s a guy so it makes you gay, you fucker!
– Dale Doback

Boats and hoes!
– Dale Doback

Brennan has a man-gina!
– Derek

You yelled “rape” at the top of your lungs.
– Nancy Huff
Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, “Lets get it on.”
– Brennan Huff
That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!
– Dale Doback
Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?
– Brennan Huff
I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
– Dale Doback

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And one day my dad said, “Bobby, you are 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside,” and I said, “Okay, Pop.” But he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.”
– Dr. Robert Doback

I tea-bagged your drum set!
– Brennan Huff

Dad, what are you doing? It’s Shark Week.
– Dale Doback

Brennan you’re alive! Oh my God!
– Dale Doback
I know. I’m alive.
– Brennan Huff
You were dead. I saw you die.
– Dale Doback
I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.
– Brennan Huff

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!
– Brennan Huff

I remember my first beer.
– Brennan Huff
That’s so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
– Dale Doback

I remember my first beer.
– Brennan Huff

It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
– Derek

I manage a baseball team.
– Dale Doback
Oh, little league?
– Nancy Huff
Fantasy league.
– Dale Doback

Please leave us alone Mr. Gardocki!
– Dale Doback

I have a green belt… read it and weep.
– Brennan Huff
I don’t believe in belts.
– Dale Doback

I know it seems hard, but it’s the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you.
– Dr. Robert Doback
Dad, I’m doing this because I love you: Fuck you!
– Dale Doback