Snatch (2000) quotes

Director
Guy Ritchie.

Cast
Jason Statham.
Brad Pitt.
Benicio Del Toro.

Unscrupulous boxing promoters, violent bookmakers, a Russian gangster, incompetent amateur robbers, and supposedly Jewish jewelers fight to track down a priceless stolen diamond.

Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Avi
You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
Bullet Tooth Tony

So, what you doin here?
Policeman
I’m taking the dog for a walk. What’s the problem?
Turkish
What’s in the car?
Policeman
Seats and a steering wheel.
Turkish

Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me.
– Brick Top

Eighty-six carats.
Avi
Where?
Rosebud
London.
Avi
London?
Rosebud
London.
Avi
London?
Avi’s Colleague
Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup ‘o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins… LONDON.
Avi

You take sugar?
Turkish
No thank you, Turkish; I’m sweet enough.
Brick Top

 

Good dags. D’ya like dags?
Mickey
Dags?
Tommy
What?
Mickey
Yeah, dags.
Mrs. O’Neil
Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.
Tommy

What’s happening with them sausages, Charlie?
Turkish
Five minutes, Turkish.
Sausage Charlie
It was two minutes five minutes ago.
Turkish

A bookie’s got blagged last night.
Bullet Tooth Tony
Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
Avi

So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. Now there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Bullet Tooth Tony
These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Vinny
Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two little mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you’ve got your parties muddled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you’ve got “Replica” written down the side of your guns…
Bullet Tooth Tony
[Zoom in on the side of Sol’s gun, which indeed has “REPLICA” etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]
And the fact that I’ve got “Desert Eagle point five O”…
Bullet Tooth Tony
[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]
Written down the side of mine…
Bullet Tooth Tony
[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has “DESERT EAGLE .50” etched on the side]
Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now… Fuck off!
Bullet Tooth Tony

Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony
Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
Avi
‘Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.
Bullet Tooth Tony

I don’t want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Tyrone
Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.
Vinny

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary… come again?
– Brick Top

[Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers’ van]
I didn’t see it there.
Tyrone
It’s a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as if it’s a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?
Vinny
It was a funny angle.
Tyrone
[All three turn and look back at the truck]
It’s behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.
Vinny

I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the fuck can he get away from, eh?
– Vinny

You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
– Bullet Tooth Tony

Well the rabbit gets fucked.
Turkish
[pauses] Proper fucked?
Tommy
Yes, before “Zee Germans” get there.
Turkish

You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Brick Top
Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
Sol
And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.
Brick Top
Well, thank you for that. That’s a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn’t mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?
Vinny

You got a toothbrush? We’re going to London. Do you hear that, Doug? I’m coming to London.
Avi
[Avi arrives in London]
Avi!
Doug the Head
Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck. I don’t like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don’t like leaving it for anything less then warm sandy beaches, and cocktails with little straw hats.
Avi
We’ve got sandy beaches…
Doug the Head
So? Who the fuck wants to see ’em? I hope you appreciate the concern I have for my friend Franky, Doug. I’m gonna find him, and you’re gonna help me find him, and we’re gonna start at that fight.
Avi

[looks at the caravan] Look at it. How am I suppose to run this thing from that? We’ll need a proper office. I want a new one, Tommy. You’re going to buy it for me.
Turkish
Why me?
Tommy
Well, you know about caravans.
Turkish
How’s that?
Tommy
ou spent a summer in one, which means you know more than me. And I don’t want to have my pants pulled down over the price.
Turkish
What’s wrong with this one?
Tommy
[Pulls the caravan’s door from its hinges] Oh, nothing, Tommy. It’s tiptop. It’s just I’m not sure about the colour.
Turkish

I don’t care if he’s Muhammad “I’m hard” Bruce Lee. You can’t change fighters.
– Brick Top

So the Biblical scholars mis-translated the Hebrew word for “young woman” into the Greek word for “virgin,” which was a pretty easy mistake to make, since there is only a subtle difference in the spelling. But back then it was the “virgin” that caught people’s attention. It’s not every day a virgin conceives and bears a son. So you keep that for a couple of hundred years, and the next thing you know, you have the Holy Catholic church.
– Franky Four Fingers

[referring to Tommy’s gun] Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn’t work you can always hit them with it.
– Boris ‘The Blade’ Yurinov

Why are we stopped here? What’s wrong with that spot?
Vinny
It’s too tight.
Tyrone
Too tight? You could land a jumbo fucking jet in that.
Vinny

He’s a natural, ain’t you Tyrone?
Sol
‘course I am…
Tyrone
[reverses into parked van]
A natural fucking idiot.
Vinny

[narrating] My name is Turkish. Funny name for an Englishman, I know. My parents to be were on the same plane when it crashed. That’s how they met. They named me after the name of the plane. Not many people are named after a plane crash. That’s Tommy. He tells people he was named after a gun, but I know he was really named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.
– Turkish

Did he have four fingers?
Vinny
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get the bin-noc-u-lars out in time.
Sol

Fuck me, hold tight. What’s that?
Turkish
It’s me belt, Turkish.
Tommy
No, Tommy. There’s a gun in your trousers. What’s a gun doing in your trousers?
Turkish
It’s for protection.
Tommy
Protection from what? “Zee Germans”?
Turkish

What are you doing?
Doug the Head
[spits] It’s a free country, ain’t it?
Jewish Boy
Well it ain’t a free shop, is it? So fuck off!
Doug the Head

Anything to declare?
Customs official
Yeah. Don’t go to England.
Avi