National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) quotes

Director
Harold Ramis.

Cast
Chevy Chase.
Beverly D’Angelo.
Imogene Coca.

The Griswold family’s cross-country drive to the Walley World theme park proves to be much more arduous than they ever anticipated.

I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun… We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
– Clark
Dad, you want an aspirin?
– Rusty Griswold
Don’t touch!
– Clark

I think I broke my nose.
– Ellen Griswold
I stabbed my brain.
– Rusty Griswold
I just got my period.
– Audrey Griswold

Clark, what are you doing?
– Ellen Griswold
We watch his program… We buy his toys, we go to his movies… he owes us. Doesn’t he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
– Clark

Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
– Motorcycle Cop
No, sir, I don’t.
– Clark
Well… it’s probably pretty stiff.
– Motorcycle Cop

O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her… give her a break.
– Clark
Clark… Clark… This is a serious matter. I’ll do it myself.
– Ellen Griswold
Honey, I’m not an ordained minister; I’m doing my best, OK?
– Clark

I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark?
– Cousin Eddie
You’re the gourmet around here, Eddie.
– Clark

Is that a real gun, Mom?
– Rusty Griswold
I don’t know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father… may be going away for a little while.
– Ellen Griswold

Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
– Clark
Fuck yo mama!
– Pimp
Thank you very much.
– Clark

Clark, let’s just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
– Ellen Griswold
It’s living history Ellen. But if you’d rather see your cousins. Personally I’d rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
– Clark

I’m going steady, and I French kiss.
– Cousin Vicki
So? Everybody does that.
– Audrey Griswold
Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.
– Cousin Vicki

I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn’t you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn’t big enough.
– Eddie

Could I do your back, honey?
– Clark
I’ve already done my back.
– Ellen Griswold
Could I do your front?
– Clark
Go do your own front.
– Ellen Griswold

The next time you have one of your outbursts, I’d really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
– Ellen Griswold
What are you talking about?
– Clark
You don’t know? After everything that happened, you still don’t get it?
– Ellen Griswold
I’m just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
– Clark
Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you’ll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world’s largest pile of mud!
– Ellen Griswold

We’re from out of town.
– Clark
No shit.
– Man Giving Directions

Sorry folks, park’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
– Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld

We’re not really violent people. This is our first gun.
– Ellen Griswald
No, it isn’t.
– Clark Griswald

Has your father ever killed anyone?
– Lasky
Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
– Rusty
Hey you can’t prove that Russ.
– Clark

Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes… or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
– Clark

Clark, what are you doing?
– Ellen Griswold