National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) quotes

Director
Jeremiah S. Chechik.

Cast
Chevy Chase.
Beverly D’Angelo.
Juliette Lewis.

The Griswold family’s plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster.

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
– Clark

You surprised to see us, Clark?
– Eddie
Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.
– Clark

What’s that sound? You hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound.
– Aunt Bethany
You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
– Uncle Lewis

Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home… before things get worse.
– Ellen
WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.
– Clark

Don’t go puttin’ none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain’t as strong so I don’t know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
– Eddie
You really think it matters, Eddie?
– Clark

Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
– Eddie

I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.
– Ellen

Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
– Clark

Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on its way in from New York City.
– Clark
You serious, Clark?
– Eddie

The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
– Clark

Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
– Clark
Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.
– Eddie

Is Rusty still in the navy?
– Aunt Bethany

Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
– Uncle Lewis
Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.
– Clark
Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
– Uncle Lewis

Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
– Audrey
Well, I’m sleeping with your father. Don’t be so dramatic.
– Ellen

Is your house on fire, Clark?
– Bethany
No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
– Clark

Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
– Eddie

Welcome to our home – what’s left of it.
– Ellen

Don’t throw me down, Clark.
– Bethany
I’ll try not to, Aunt Bethany…
– Clark

Clark! I don’t want to spend the Holidays dead!
– Ellen

Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
– Clark
Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
– Rusty Griswold
Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
– Clark

You want to hurry this up, Clark? I’m freezing my baguettes off.
– Art

Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we’re all in for a real treat!
– Clark
Save the neck for me, Clark.
– Eddie
Okay Eddie…
– Clark