Deadpool (2017) quotes

Director
Tim Miller.

Cast
Ryan Reynolds.
Morena Baccarin.
T.J. Miller.

A fast-talking mercenary with a morbid sense of humor is subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers and a quest for revenge.

From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… me! Deadpool.
– Deadpool

I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it.
– Wade Wilson
They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.
– Wade Wilson

Hashtag drive-by.
– Deadpool

Ripley, from Alien 3!
– Deadpool
Fuck, you’re old.
– Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
– Deadpool

Rich Corinthian leather.
– Deadpool

Happy Lent.
– Wade Wilson
Happy Lent dear.
– Vanessa Carlysle

Ahhh! Your poor wife!
– Deadpool

Now, I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
– Deadpool

I get why you’re so pissy, but your mood’s never gonna brighten ’till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
– Blind Al
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn’t have me. If you could see me, you’d understand.
– Deadpool
Looks aren’t everything.
– Blind Al
Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
– Deadpool
Love is blind, Wade.
– Blind Al
No. You’re blind.
– Deadpool
So you’re just gonna lie there and whimper?
– Blind Al
No, I’m gonna wait ’till this arm plows through puberty, and then I’ll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
– Deadpool

Ahhhh. I’m touching myself tonight.
– Deadpool

Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven’s Gate-looking motherfucker… on that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
– Deadpool

All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
– Deadpool

Daddy needs to express some rage.
– Deadpool

I didn’t ask to be super, and I’m no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
– Deadpool

Here, check it out. She’s sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I’m sure there all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn’t that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say “cancer” in Spanish?
– Wade Wilson
No.
– Weasel
El cancer.
– Wade Wilson

Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
– Deadpool

That’s right! You’re about to be killed by a zamboni!
– Deadpool
Tell me where your fucking boss is or you’re going to die! In five minutes!
– Deadpool

A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That’s like, sixteen walls.
– Deadpool

Crime’s the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
– Deadpool

Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
– Deadpool

You, go be a big brother to someone! And tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn!
– Deadpool

I know right? You’re probably thinking, “Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie”? I can’t tell you his name, but it rhymes with “Polverine.”
– Deadpool
And let me tell you, he’s got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
– Deadpool

Maximum effort.
– Deadpool

Right up Main Street.
– Deadpool

Mr. Wilson.
– Recruiter
How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
– Wade Wilson

You’re probably thinking, “My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!” Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right… I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
– Deadpool

Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?
– Wade Wilson

Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable.
– Deadpool

You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
– Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Oh, like there’s something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He’s got my girl. You’re gonna help me get her back.
– Deadpool
Wade, is that you?
– Colossus
Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse. I’m gonna wait out here, okay? It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.
– Deadpool

You will come talk with Professor Xavier.
– Colossus
McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
– Deadpool

I’ve never said this to anyone before, but don’t swallow!
– Deadpool

What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what’s more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?
– Recruiter
I’d say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
– Wade Wilson

Time to make the chimi-fuckin’-changas.
– Deadpool

Bad Deadpool!
– Deadpool
Good Deadpool.
– Deadpool

Finish fucking her the fuck up.
– Deadpool
Language, please.
– Colossus
Suck a cock.
– Deadpool

And you are?
– Deadpool
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
– Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Negasonic Teenage… what the shit? That’s the coolest name ever!
– Deadpool

I didn’t just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
– Deadpool