Tim Allen quotes

Born
June 13, 1953, Denver, Colorado, U.S.

Occupation
Actor, comedian.

Tim Allen is an American actor and comedian.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
– Tim Allen
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
– Tim Allen
When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
– Tim Allen
I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
– Tim Allen
If it doesn’t say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
– Tim Allen
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
– Tim Allen
I do a lot of family shows.
– Tim Allen
I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
– Tim Allen
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
– Tim Allen
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
– Tim Allen
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
– Tim Allen
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
– Tim Allen
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
– Tim Allen
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
– Tim Allen
I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar… I’d pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I’d go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.
– Tim Allen
Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
– Tim Allen
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
– Tim Allen
In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
– Tim Allen
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
– Tim Allen
There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn’t see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
– Tim Allen
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
– Tim Allen
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
– Tim Allen
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
– Tim Allen
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
– Tim Allen
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
– Tim Allen
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
– Tim Allen
I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
– Tim Allen
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
– Tim Allen
But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
– Tim Allen
My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
– Tim Allen
If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
– Tim Allen
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they’re fun, they do things together, they’re best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
– Tim Allen
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
– Tim Allen
Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
– Tim Allen
I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
– Tim Allen
I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
– Tim Allen