Steven Wright quotes

Born
December 6, 1955.

Occupation
Stand-up comedian, actor, writer.

Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
– Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
– Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
– Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
– Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
– Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
– Steven Wright
The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.
– Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
– Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
– Steven Wright
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
– Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
– Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
– Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
– Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
– Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
– Steven Wright
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
– Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
– Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
– Steven Wright
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
– Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?
– Steven Wright
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
– Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
– Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
– Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
– Steven Wright
I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
– Steven Wright
Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
– Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
– Steven Wright
I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.
– Steven Wright
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
– Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
– Steven Wright
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
– Steven Wright
I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’
– Steven Wright
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’
– Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
– Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
– Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
– Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
– Steven Wright
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
– Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
– Steven Wright
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
– Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
– Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
– Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
– Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
– Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
– Steven Wright
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‘Boston Phoenix,’ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‘deadpan.’
– Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
– Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
– Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
– Steven Wright
It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.
– Steven Wright
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
– Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
– Steven Wright
I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
– Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
– Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.
– Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
– Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
– Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
– Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
– Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
– Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
– Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
– Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.
– Steven Wright
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
– Steven Wright