Mitch Hedberg quotes

Born
February 24, 1968 Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States.

Died
March 30, 2005.

Occupation
Stand-up comedian.

Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional, often deadpan comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
– Mitch Hedberg
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
– Mitch Hedberg
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
– Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
– Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
– Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
– Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
– Mitch Hedberg
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
– Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
– Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
– Mitch Hedberg
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
– Mitch Hedberg
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
– Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
– Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
– Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
– Mitch Hedberg
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
– Mitch Hedberg
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
– Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
– Mitch Hedberg
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
– Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
– Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
– Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
– Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
– Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
– Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
– Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
– Mitch Hedberg
Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
– Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
– Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
– Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
– Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
– Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
– Mitch Hedberg