Mark Twain quotes

Born
November 30, 1835 Florida, Missouri, U.S.

Died
April 21, 1910.

Occupation
Writer, lecturer, entrepreneur, publisher.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, entrepreneur, publisher and lecturer.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Mark Twain
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
– Mark Twain
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
– Mark Twain
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
– Mark Twain
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
– Mark Twain
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
– Mark Twain
The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘r’, except at the beginning of a word.
– Mark Twain
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
– Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
– Mark Twain
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
– Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
– Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
– Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
– Mark Twain
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
– Mark Twain
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
– Mark Twain
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
– Mark Twain
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
– Mark Twain
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
– Mark Twain
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.
– Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
– Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
– Mark Twain
Man was made at the end of the week’s work, when God was tired.
– Mark Twain
It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
– Mark Twain
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
– Mark Twain
A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.
– Mark Twain
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
– Mark Twain
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
– Mark Twain
All right, then, I’ll go to hell.
– Mark Twain
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
– Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
– Mark Twain
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
– Mark Twain
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
– Mark Twain
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
– Mark Twain
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
– Mark Twain
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
– Mark Twain
Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.
– Mark Twain
Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.
– Mark Twain
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
– Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
– Mark Twain
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
– Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
– Mark Twain
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
– Mark Twain
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
– Mark Twain
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
– Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
– Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
– Mark Twain
Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.
– Mark Twain
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
– Mark Twain
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
– Mark Twain
The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
– Mark Twain
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.
– Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
– Mark Twain
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
– Mark Twain
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
– Mark Twain
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
– Mark Twain
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
– Mark Twain
Why shouldn’t truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
– Mark Twain
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
– Mark Twain
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
– Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
– Mark Twain
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
– Mark Twain
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
– Mark Twain
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
– Mark Twain
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
– Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
– Mark Twain
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
– Mark Twain
We have the best government that money can buy.
– Mark Twain
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
– Mark Twain
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
– Mark Twain
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
– Mark Twain
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
– Mark Twain
If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.
– Mark Twain
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
– Mark Twain
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
– Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
– Mark Twain
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
– Mark Twain
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
– Mark Twain
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
– Mark Twain
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
– Mark Twain
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
– Mark Twain
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
– Mark Twain
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
– Mark Twain
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
– Mark Twain
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
– Mark Twain
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
– Mark Twain
The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
– Mark Twain
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
– Mark Twain
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
– Mark Twain
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
– Mark Twain
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
– Mark Twain
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
– Mark Twain
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
– Mark Twain
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
– Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
– Mark Twain
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
– Mark Twain
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
– Mark Twain
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
– Mark Twain
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
– Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
– Mark Twain
It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
– Mark Twain
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
– Mark Twain
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
– Mark Twain
I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.’
– Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
– Mark Twain
When in doubt tell the truth.
– Mark Twain
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
– Mark Twain
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.
– Mark Twain
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
– Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
– Mark Twain
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
– Mark Twain
Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
– Mark Twain
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
– Mark Twain
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
– Mark Twain
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
– Mark Twain
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
– Mark Twain
A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
– Mark Twain
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
– Mark Twain
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
– Mark Twain
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
– Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one.
– Mark Twain
Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
– Mark Twain
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.
– Mark Twain