Joan Rivers quotes

Born
June 8, 1933 Brooklyn, New York, U.S.

Died
September 4, 2014.

Occupation
Comedian.

Joan Rivers was an American comedian.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.
– Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
– Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
– Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
– Joan Rivers
It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
– Joan Rivers
I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
– Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
– Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
– Joan Rivers
I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
– Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
– Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
– Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
– Joan Rivers
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn’t there, find a new favorite.
– Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
– Joan Rivers
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
– Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
– Joan Rivers
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.
– Joan Rivers
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
– Joan Rivers
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
– Joan Rivers
I will only praise someone who can’t take anything away from me.
– Joan Rivers
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.
– Joan Rivers
I have no line. If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.
– Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
– Joan Rivers
You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.
– Joan Rivers
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
– Joan Rivers
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There’s no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he’s doing an acting job.
– Joan Rivers
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
– Joan Rivers
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
– Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
– Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
– Joan Rivers
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken’s vote.
– Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.
– Joan Rivers
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he’d do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
– Joan Rivers
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
– Joan Rivers
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
– Joan Rivers
Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.
– Joan Rivers
My mother loved entertaining, and I’ve followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
– Joan Rivers
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
– Joan Rivers
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
– Joan Rivers
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
– Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
– Joan Rivers
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he’s ruined it. I can’t make another joke about him.
– Joan Rivers
It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride.
– Joan Rivers