George Carlin quotes

Born
May 12, 1937 Manhattan, New York, U.S.

Died
June 22, 2008.

Occupation
Stand-up comedian.

George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
– George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
– George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
– George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
– George Carlin
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
– George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
– George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
– George Carlin
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
– George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
– George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
– George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
– George Carlin
Always do whatever’s next.
– George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
– George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
– George Carlin
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
– George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
– George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
– George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
– George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
– George Carlin
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
– George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
– George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
– George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
– George Carlin
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
– George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
– George Carlin