Billy Connolly quotes

Born
24 November 1942, Glasgow, Scotland.

Occupation
Stand-up comedian, musician, actor.

Billy Connolly is a Scottish stand-up comedian, musician and actor.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
– Billy Connolly
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
– Billy Connolly
I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
– Billy Connolly
Don’t vote, it just encourages them.
– Billy Connolly
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
– Billy Connolly
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
– Billy Connolly
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
– Billy Connolly
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
– Billy Connolly
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
– Billy Connolly
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you’ll have the time of your life.
– Billy Connolly
Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
– Billy Connolly
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
– Billy Connolly
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
– Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
– Billy Connolly
I don’t aim to offend.
– Billy Connolly
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
– Billy Connolly
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
– Billy Connolly
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
– Billy Connolly
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
– Billy Connolly
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
– Billy Connolly
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.
– Billy Connolly
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
– Billy Connolly
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
– Billy Connolly
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
– Billy Connolly
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
– Billy Connolly
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
– Billy Connolly